HOLIDAY EATING TIPS (In case you forgot!)

A big Hat Tip to my buddy Samy for these… ‘Tis the Season of Joy:

1. Avoid carrot sticks.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  It’s rare.  You cannot
find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.  It’s a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one
for me.  Have two.  It’s later than you think.  It will soon be Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That’s the whole point of
gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or
whole milk.  If it’s skim, pass.  Why bother?  It’s like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating.  The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat
other people’s food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge.  Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes.  If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if
you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have
three.  When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean,
please, have some standards!

10. One final tip: Wear sweatpants/loose fitting clothing. If you are
leaving the party and you can walk without help from a construction
forklift, “you haven’t been paying attention, people!” Re-read tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.  Remember this
motto to live by:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season!!

This year in lieu of the fancy Christmas cards we bought half price in January (and last year, and the year before that) but somehow can never find when we really need them, we donated a fist of silver to CancerGRACE in support of education for people with lung cancer.

Warmest wishes to y’all for a truly wonderful 2011.